Don't get technical with me

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it....
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: can't get on the Internet..
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin..
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

10 SMS Jokes

1. Kalo orang bilang kamu judes, sabar aja. Kalo orang bilang kamu reseh, senyumin aja. Tapi kalo ada orang bilang kamu cakep,tonjok aja tuh orang, karena itu FITNAH!!!

2. IF u need ADVICE, message me. If u need FRIEND, call me. IF u need HELP, e-mail me. If u need MONEY, "nomor yg anda tuju tidak dapat dihubungi". Terima kasih.

3. Seorang nenek yang nyebrang jalan hampir ketabrak motor.
Pengendara motor marah : "Nenek bego! Nyebrang jalan gak liat2!" Nenek sewot : "Lo yg bego!! Nabrak nenek-nenek aja gak kena..!!"

4. Hasil survey membuktikan bahwa 99% cewe milih cowo karena punya wibawa: wiii... BAWA mobil sport, wiii... BAWA uang
banyak, wiii... BAWA handphone 10jt, wiii... BAWA credit card, wiii... BAWA bodyguard!!! !

5. Seorang tukang roti ditabrak metro mini, lalu polisi datang dan bertanya, " Ada apa Pak??" Si tukang roti yang uda sekarat menjawab, "ada nanas, keju,coklat, dan mocca.."

6. Saat kau SEDIH tak satupun yang menyadari kesedihanmu. Saat BAHAGIA tak satupun melihat senyumu. Tapi saat kau KENTUT,semua menoleh kepadamu. MENYEDIHKAN SEKALI...!!! ;

7. Suatu malam BRAD PITT ke diskotik. Temen2 ga sabar bujuk dia supaya ikut goyang.: "Ayo, goyang dong Brad! Goyang dong Brad!". Dari situ lah lagu GOYANG DOMBRET tercipta.

8. Selamat! Anda mendapatkan kado dari DIGITAL LG.
Pilih kado berikut ini:
1. DIGI-LAS mobil 2. DIGI-LING truk 3. DIGI-RING polisi 4. DIGI-GIT anjing

9. When i see baby, i remember "TEDDY BEAR DOLL".
When i see a little girl, i remember "BARBIE DOLL". But when i see u, i remember "PANADOL"

10. Orang AMERIKA kentut bilang EXCUSE ME. Orang British kentut bilang PARDON ME. Orang SINGAPORE kentut bilang I'M
SORRY. Kalo Orang Indonesia kentut, pasti bilang.....NOT ME!! NOT ME!

Kodok, Kura-Kura dan Kaki Seribu

Kodok, Kura-Kura dan Kaki Seribu
=========================
Ada tiga friends, satunya kura2..satu lagi kodok..terus satunya lagi
uler kaki seribu. Suatu hari kura2 mengundang dua temennya kerumahnya buat pesta kecil2an. So.. mereka bertiga bikin pesta kecil di rumah kura2.
Setelah asyik ngobrol, makan, minum and lain-lain...
si kodok berkata : "Eh..dari tadi kayaknya ada yang kurang ya..elu pada ngerasa gak..Oh iya kita kok gak ngerokok ya..pantesan mulut asem banget nih.."
Kura2:"iya ya..sorry gue lupa nggak nyediain rokok...kalo gitu lu beli aje deh 'Dok..warungnya deket khan..!"
Kodok:"Lho koq gue sih.. khan tuan rumahnya elu 'Ra.."
Kura2:"iya sih.. tapi khan gue jalannya lambat. kalo elu khan bisa cepet..!!"
Kodok:"Ah.. nggak bisa gitu donk!!..lagian kalo soal cepet..pasti si uler kaki seribu lebih cepet dari gue..kakinya aja ada seribu!!!"
Kura2: "Oh iya ya.. Elu aja deh yang pergi..uler Kaki seribu.."
Uler K.1000: "koq jadi gue sih.."
Kodok : "Udah ..nggak apa-apa..elu aja..buruan.."

Akhirnya si Uler K.1000 pergi juga untuk membeli rokok.

Si Kodok dan Kura2 nungguin sambil ngegosipin artis-artis lokal. Lima
menit menunggu...si Uler K.1000 belum dateng juga...10 menit..20 menit...satu jam...dan ternyata sampe tiga jam Uler K.1000 gak nongol2 juga.
Kodok: "Kooq Uler K.1000 nggak pulang2 ya..?"
Kura2: "Iya nih..gue jadi kuatir..kita susulin aja yuk, Dok...!"
Kodok: "ayuk deh..!"

Tapi pas si kura2 buka pintu...ternyata uler K.1000 udah ada di depan pintu.
Kura2: "Nah ni dia..!"
Kodok: "Iya nih dari tadi ditungguin juga...mana rokoknya. mulut gue udah asem banget nih..?!"
Uler K.1000: "Boro2 rokok...jalan aja belom..!!"
Kodok: " Haah belom jalan ...emangnya dari tadi ngapain aja...?
Uler K.1000: "Yeeeeeeeee..elu nggak liat nih...gue lagi PAKE SEPATU!!!???????

A gynaecologist

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college , signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.


When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."


The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."


After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career.

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!

Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

Australian Tourism Website

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses from the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking
__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is - oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Emergency Room Stories

HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT THESE ARE ALL TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY
ROOMS AROUND THE U.S.A :

FEMALE SOFA----- A 500 lb. Woman from Illinois was examined in a
Hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under
Her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote
Control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
Eeewwwww.....

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH! In Michigan , a man came into the ER with
Lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had '...a rat
In her privates...' which bit him during sex (not the first
Conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think). After an examination
Of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left
Inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ----- A 20 year old man came into the ER with a
Stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were
Fooling around with concrete mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of
Pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (you'd do the same,
I'm sure!)?!!. The concrete then hardened, (no sh*t Sherlock)!
Causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect
Concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong
Ball. (Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

BLIND DRUNK----- A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER
Complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact
Lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always
Popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but
Without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the
Man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying
To rip out the membrane of his cornea. (Oh my gosh!)

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ----- A couple hobbled into a Washington State
Emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his
Hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that
Evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman
Crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or
What??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused
Her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to
Side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed
Her in the head until she let go.


And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!

Blonde joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'